Cycle of Vulnerability

Whelp, I just hugged and said goodbye to my other half for the next 5-6 months and I’ve never felt more like a puddle of tears.

I was lucky enough to have Max visit me during lockdown. We weren’t able to travel or do anything exciting but we huddled down in my little village of Kang and soaked in each others’ presence for two very short weeks. Having him here was like a breath of fresh normalness. I’d nearly forgotten how natural and happy I feel with the man I love and how un-frustrating it is to be in the same room in the same house in the same country on the same continent without struggling with poor skype connections and outrageous international calling rates. After three years of never truly living in the same city and playing travel tag with Peace Corps (first him in Fiji, now me in Botswana) you’d think we’d be long-distance pros but that nail-to-the-heart being drowned in ice water feeling of saying our temporary goodbyes never disappears.

Having him here reminds me of all I left behind to follow this Peace Corps dream. I left behind a boyfriend who loves me more than I ever thought possible, my father in the fight of his life against cancer, other family and friends who are going through big and exciting changes that I can’t be a part of, along with the stability to build a future. Before coming here my heart, soul, and mind were itching for adventure. I wanted to become lost in a new culture and language; to explore not only a distant land but to discover how far I could push and challenge myself. I wanted to develop professional skills in an untypical environment. I wanted to expand my world view by living and working in a community rather than just traveling through for the big-ticket sites and world wonders.

I try to put a positive spin on most things and understand that I’ve only been in Botswana for 5 months, not much has happened yet. I’m thankful for being here and for all the wonderful people I have met along the way, but everyone and everything back home is starting to weigh heavier on my mind than my desire to wait it out and see if things start rolling here in Bots.  A lot of these feelings have to do with the lows of being away from home during the holidays, just saying goodbye to my boyfriend, and a little graph Peace Corps likes to call the “Cycle of Vulnerability and Adjustment.” So as I’m writing this post and eating the left-over Christmas cookies I had sent from home and stored in the freezer I’ll admit that I’m really starting to feel the “hard” part in the “hardest job you’ll ever love.”

So now that I’ve made you, my reader, family member, friend, whoever you are feel a little down and also gave you a craving for cookies, I’ll let you know that I’m not giving up yet. It may just be my stubbornness or my unrealistic desire for Peace Corps to some how pop me out of Botswana as a well-traveled, sunburned, ululating, confident, has-it-all-together individual but I’m not ready to throw that towel in. I recognize that my Peace Corps service may not be two years. Of course, everyone who becomes a Peace Corps volunteer intends to complete the full two years of service but I acknowledge that there are too many alterior factors, ie life, that may cut that service short.

For now I am going to focus on the little accomplishments until the big can fall into place. I can bumble through Setswana enough that locals continue to speak it to me long after my point of understanding, I’ve made friends in my community, and I’ve learned to enjoy bucket baths. There is never any “good” in goodbye but I’m thankful to have a guy who is by my side, even 8,000 miles away, while I figure this all out. Here’s to 2015, whatever it may bring.

Rains Down in Africa

As I’m writing this I’m sitting in my house with all the windows open letting the cool breeze from the cloudy day and the praise music from the church behind my house waft in. Its summer but its also the rainy season here which can be pretty fickle. The clouds roll in every afternoon with the promise of a storm banging on my tin roof each night. The mornings are cool but as the sun appears the village heats up to oven like temperatures becoming more and more humid as the rain threatens to destroy all the laundry hanging on the line. I’m amazed by how much it has rained in my little village set in the Kalahari desert of Botswana. We’ve had more rain here in the last month than I see in Arizona in a year! Everything has become green!!!! There is still plenty of sand but grass and weeds have sprouted up everywhere!

This pic was taken back in mid-October when I first arrived 

This pic is today, mid-December, so many weeds and grass has sprouted up and with it come more thorns and bugs.

So what have I been up to for the last few months now that I’m in Kang? The truth is, not much. I’ve been both busy and idle at the same time. This community assessment is an odd thing. Because I’m not allowed to start projects I’ve had to become comfortable with just following people around and tagging along whenever I can. I’ve had to be social, which, as an introverted person is a huge challenge for me especially when most of the villagers don’t speak English and some don’t even speak Setswana. I’ve felt completely useless many times especially when my limited Setswana excludes me from knowing whats going on. But during this time I’ve also noticed so much opportunity for projects and growth and identified some incredible people who care about this community and want to be involved with community projects. My future activities are shaping up but its still some time till I’ll be starting things. After PST it’s a lot of “hurry up and wait” type feelings. We are bombarded with information of all the things we can do but once we’re unleashed at our sites we’re told to hold off.

This quote does a good job of describing just how important this phase of listening, observing, and absorbing is:

“From the beginning, what has been unique about the Peace Corps is not what it offers host countries, that is, technical expertise, but the way that expertise is delivered- in the form of volunteers who speak the local language, understand the local culture, and live in local towns and neighborhoods. The manner of service is as important as the service itself and adjustment for volunteers is not merely a means to an end, but a virtual end all its own. The cross-cultural adjustment of volunteers is not just what enables them to make a contribution; it is itself a significant part of that contribution”

What, what?

Botswana used to be a British protectorate and along with a strong love of tea, scones, and driving on the wrong side of the road the mix of British English, Setswana, and other African tongues and slang has led to some pretty colorful speech patterns. Here’s just a small guide to some of the many Botswana colloquialisms…

What-what: used as a continuation of something, like the word “etcetera.” Its assumed that you always know what the what what is…We don’t know if she’s bleeding or what what.

Nice: the colloquial term for absolutely anything… Your dress is nice, the food is nice, the workshop was nice, she looked very nice, and what what. No matter what adjective you need “nice” can replace it.

Whereby: a term not commonly used in American English, its similar to “so that” and “thus” but can really be used in place of many conjunctions…Batswana tend to cattle whereby they can feed all the walk-in guests at their wedding some nice seswa (pounded meat) and what what.

Eish!: a phrase of surprise, disgust, disappointment, or amazement…Eish! That nice baby was so scared after having to hang in a sling to be weighed whereby he just peed on the floor and what what.

Bathing: (bath-ing) not to be confused with the word bathe-ing, Batswana are serious about their bathing often doing it 2-3 times a day…Eish! That nice American girl only baths once a day whereby she must smell and what what.

Knock-off: used to say you are leaving work…Eish! Its half past three already! Do you mind if I knock off early whereby I can get home to bath before going out to that nice bar and what what tonight?

Check you: a phrase that can completely change contexts depending on who’s talking to you. Female to female- it means can I come hang out, see your house, talk for a bit; male to female- means can I come over to hook up with you at your house even if I’ve never met you before. Most of the time is the latter creepier one… Eish! When can I check you, baby? You look so nice right now and I’d really like to knock off work right now to check you whereby we can then get married and you can take me to America. You can’t use the excuse that you’re bathing and what what forever.

Now vs. Now Now: now often relates to doing something soon, no rush; now now means right now at this very instant…Oh, you wanted to check me now now? Eish! I haven’t knocked off yet. Let me go home to take a nice bath and what what whereby I’ll check you later.

Sorry: used as an apology for clumsiness basically, sometimes as a sign of sympathy. If a Motswana drops his phone he will tell me sorry, if I drop my own phone he will also say sorry, its also used when babies are crying, or as a sort of “excuse me”…(Motswana talking to me as I spill bucket of water) Sorry sorry, eish! Were you getting ready to bath? I thought I could check you now now whereby I saw that you just knocked off. That talk you gave this morning about STI’s was so nice.

I have flu: Batswana use the term “flu” for anything from a headache to pneumonia and TB, but mostly it means they have a cough and are congested…Eish! I’m knocking off now now; I have flu and what what. (drops phone) Sorry! I am going home to bath whereby I will check you tomorrow if I feel better. Eish! This flu is not nice!

I’m coming:  this one took me a while to understand, sometimes it means they are, indeed, on their way, but other times it means they are leaving and may or may not return; I sat and waited in countless rooms for nurses to return after saying “I’m coming” generally, a nurse will be busy with paperwork or something suddenly announce I’m coming to no one in particular and leave the room...(sitting in an office with a nurse) Eish! Too many people with flu today whereby they are all lining up now now.  I need to knock off to check my sister later before she baths and cooks dinner. Sorry,  I’m coming. Eish! This morning was so nice and what what. (leaves the room and doesn’t return).

Fall Pregnant: women don’t get pregnant or knocked up here, no, they fall pregnant as if they tripped and whoopsy daisy theres suddenly a bun in the oven…My aunt has fallen pregnant. Eish! Three nice kids already and the whole family with flu and what what. I should head to the store before dark whereby the employees knock off. I’ll go now now and check her after then go home and bath. Sorry mma, I’m coming. (leaves and never returns).

That Side:  a universal term for any direction or distance. Oh, your going to another room in the clinic, your going to that side, you live across the rode, you live on  that side, anyone asks you for directions you can simply point in a direction and say go that side and they will be satisfied…The nice woman that side in Motokwe, yes the one that came in for flu last week and what what, she has fallen pregnant. To be pregnant now now after having flu, eish! (pen falls) sorry mma. I’m going to knock off late tonight whereby you can check me in the morning. I’ll be so exhausted tonight I won’t even be able to bath. I’m coming (leaves room and never returns).

Small House/Big House: slang for your main girlfriend/boyfriend and your boyfriend/girlfriend on the side…Man, did you hear, my small house fell pregnant, eish!!! She’s been complaining of flu and what what then this! I should have never checked her last month; I should have stayed this side with my big house, you know! (drops phone) sorry sorry! Her body was so nice you know? A proper Motswana, how could I resist. Now now I can’t be a father whereby what would I tell my big house? Have you knocked off yet? Don’t worry about bathing you’ll just sweat more when we go out tonight anyways. Yes, I’m coming (hangs up phone and walks off to nowhere in particular).

Sharp: Some-times pronounced sharp-o. Used like ok, everything is fine, finished, etc. Eish! These sentences were not nice to write whereby I could have fallen pregnant in the time it took me to finish this post. Luckily I’m knocked off work and have gotten pretty savy at bucket bathing and what what though I still only do it once a day. My neighbors that side have checked me twice already, one of them has flu and politely mentioned it after hugging me, and now now it is finally time to put on some “friends” and relax. In tonight’s episode Ross coincidentally cheated on Rachel, his big house, with a small house and ruined their relationship for a few seasons. Sorry sorry Rachel. Ke sharp (I’m doing good) and sleep, I’m coming.