The Return

Pardon the lankiness of this post but there were simply too many words stuck in my head.

I left Botswana on March 6^th. Packed up my limited possessions, gave one last hug to my cat, and locked up the house. I said goodbye to what I had dreamed of for years.

Many know that my father had been struggling with stage 4 colon cancer for the past year. I had decided to join peace corps anyways with the knowledge that if he needs me, I can always come home, but I might never get the chance to pursue peace corps again. At the beginning of March, we found out that his most recent treatment, radiation, not only had no effect but that during the time we were waiting for the radiation to kick in, the tumors had grown back to pre-chemo size. This was a huge setback in his fight and the entire reason I decided to return home on temporary leave to be with my family. I was emotional, worried, and thousands of miles away from them; I couldn’t stop thinking of how I would feel if something worse were to happen. We also learned that without an effective treatment soon, my father could go into liver failure within six months.

After the longest international travel time I have ever had (5 planes, plus an overnight stay in New York City after missing a flight and having to wait for a shuttle outside the airport in -22 degrees in my chacos) I arrived home the day after my dad’s 53^rd birthday. Since I’ve been home, he’s started a new round of chemo that seems to be shrinking the cancer (yay!) but has miserable symptoms (boo!).

The day I returned 

The day before I left, I went into my clinic to get pictures with my coworkers and friends who had served as my guides in this crazy Botswana adventure. I told them, “my family needs me now but I hope to come back, I don’t want to leave.” They responded with prayers, well-wishes, and statements of confidence that my father will get better and I will see them all again. I will never forget the day I texted my counterpart that I wouldn’t be in to the clinic one day because I had found out bad news about my father’s health; as soon as she knocked off, she was at my door to check that I was ok. I was overwhelmed by her compassion for me, still almost a stranger then. This was what surprised me most about Peace Corps; the ability to truly make connections with people.

Me and my counterpart, Neo, in our matching Kang shirts

Not the whole clinic staff but a good portion of them

Of course, Peace Corps is all about relationships. We come to countries in hopes of promoting peace and friendship not only by what we do but by who we interact with. I expected to make friends but I didn’t expect to connect with Batswana in the same way I have connected to my friends in the US; where there is a sense of vulnerability, and complete mutual trust and understanding. Perhaps it was an odd assumption to have, that I would make friends but not deep connections; an assumption that I am entirely glad was proved wrong. Of course, this huge revelation of the connection of humanity across cultures didn’t make my departure any easier.

My favorite little neighbors

This is what I got when I told them to smile

Its been two months and I am both devastated and relieved to be home, and to be staying home. After seeing my dad’s struggle, there was no question in my mind that I would remain in stateside, family is just too valuable, but it didn’t make letting go of Peace Corps any easier.

Its very difficult to write this post and adequately sum up the range of emotions I’ve experienced. In many ways, returning home is easy. America is easy. Its like fitting back into your place in the puzzle, you eventually revert back to your old role and your old habits and ways. There’s so much to do and so much opportunity. And nothing, absolutely nothing, beats the comfort of connecting with other Americans, who are of the same culture, understand the same jokes, and just plain get you! You can share a look with someone in line at a coffee shop and just know that they too are annoyed with the person in front of them ordering 5 very specific drink orders. Its surreal to come home and notice that nothing much changed even though so much changed in my life while in Bots. I am incredibly sad with how quickly Botswana can disappear. People ask me about it, but after that initial conversation it never really comes up again. It feels like it was merely a good dream rather than 7 months of my life.  

I can’t help but associate early terminating my service with quitting. Even though I had a very valid reason for returning home, I didn’t finish what I set out to do. I had barely started projects and was just beginning so much. Sure I can spin my resume to reflect all the cultural and language barriers I overcame, my highly practiced interpersonal skills, and the work I did to set the base for my projects but when it comes down to it I can’t get the sense of failure out of my head. Worst of all, I had to end something that I actually enjoyed doing. Despite its ups and downs, I loved Peace Corps for what it was and for the people I had the opportunity to meet, both Batswana and other PCV’s. And, this is pretty pity party of me to say, but I didn’t even get the chance to travel much within Botswana or out, though I loved Kang, I only really saw my small plot of the desert. I didn’t even see elephants in the elephant capital of the world! I miss it all and all of the promises of adventure and new experiences Peace Corps held.

I don’t regret my decision to return home; I could never regret the choice to spend more time with my family when time doesn’t seem as infinite as it used to. Life continues and for the immediate future, Peace Corps will continue to feel like a big part of it, but eventually those memories will fade filled with new adventures whether domestic or abroad. I am sad and still grieving what my service could have been and will be impatiently waiting for the chance when my goodbye’s to peace corps friends can become hello’s again. But I am thankful that I got to experience all of the craziness and wonderfulness of Botswana and Peace Corps for without it I would just be left wondering.